Working Towards, What, Exactly?

I forget, quite often actually, that this little space is all my own to be me and post what I want without any expectation. There’s no need to share perfectly posed pictures except that I like the aesthetic of that and it makes me feel like I’ve got something put together in my life the way I want. Reality says otherwise and yet I can snooker myself a bit into believing things are as organized and beautified on my Instagram.

Is it wrong to see a beautifully curated setup? I didn’t think so until the last few weeks. Sometimes you start a project with a fuzzy idea and then you get a little lost in what the point of it was much like telling a long story. You start down one road and somehow end up somewhere else completely thinking, “now, what was the point of this story again?”

This blog restart, for example, I restarted this summer because my brain opened up a vein of creativity that I followed happily and hungrily. I was writing like crazy, posting consistently with tons of ideas in my head. I grabbed my wonderful husband any time I had an idea and we would go shoot some photos for the heck it, him figuring out my camera, me trying to figure out how to stand, pose, use my hands, etc.

I felt like I was gaining ground, but on what, I wasn’t too sure. I figured it would come to me as we kept on going. When I started to focus on work (Hello, love my job—and my paycheck—so of course that deserves attention!) Lately in trying to jump back in, it’s felt off. My writing ideas dried up, everything felt forced (Hello, Julie! Probably because it was!) and I had a particular disappointing shoot that really shot my confidence. I had to ask myself, “what the heck are you working towards, exactly, and who the heck are you trying to be?”

In my deepest of hearts, I want this site to be a curated site, a perfect presentation of what life is for me. The reality is anything but that. Yet, I crave having that perfection because the outward appearance is so appealing because it feels like my life is lacking something sometimes. In essence, I starting deviating from being me and starting trying to perfect things because I thought that’s what things needed to look like or its what I craved for things to feel and look like.

And in saying that, I’m reminded of this wonderful quote,

Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”

- Judy Garland

It looks like I sort of forgot that in my pursuit for what I thought things should look like. No wonder I wasn’t feeling like myself. Being influenced by others in style, be it in fashion, art, work, whatever, happens all the time and isn’t necessarily a bad thing…so long as you don’t forget yourself. How easy it is to do that at, apparently, any age.

All this to say that maybe another social media break would be good. Shut down insta for a few days—and by that I mean no checking or scrolling ‘cause to be honest, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve really posted. I think I need to actually do some hands on projects that don’t require anything but pure interest. There’s a half-way made afghan calling my name and a pair of pj pants I’d like to make. Oh, and my guest room is in serious need of finishing. That room has been in lacking some decoration for 5 years now. It’s way past time to finish that room.

Let me see if I can right this train: Essentially, I’m forcing something here and in doing so completely losing track of me and maybe that’s because I’m judging myself a bit in what I think people want. Who am I doing this for? Well, me. Or at the very least I should be posting what interests me and if it pulls people, awesome.

So, maybe I don’t know what I’m working towards or am trying to figure that out right now. Can I still post prettily posed pictures? You betcha and I probably still will, but I’m not going to let a lack of perfection stop me from writing or posting because I don’t want to mess up “a look.” I’m also not going to second guess what I want post any more. Just take a leap of faith and be you, baby. Er, be me. Whatever. You get it.

Alright folks, too much musing for a Saturday and yet, all good things I just needed to work through out loud. If you made it through all this, I thank you, and if you’re trying to find your voice in social media, too, I feel you. We just need to get back to our roots of just being ourselves and drop the idea it has to be perfectly posed something of what someone else wants or needs.

Happy Saturday, y’all!

You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?"

- Dr. Seuss

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